Why I lied to everyone.

This is not going to be an easy post for me to publish, but I know it’s so important to get our story out there. So many women, and even men don’t talk about it. People often suffer in silence, and feel so alone because of it. I’m here to hopefully give you some hope and a friend to lean on. Let’s just get right into it…

Infertility is the hardest, saddest, and most frustrating thing I have ever gone through. Even before we decided to try to get pregnant, I had this feeling that I was going to be disappointed and even worse, disappoint my husband. But, I knew how much Stephen wanted to be a father and I wanted to be a mother, that I had to put years of fear aside and give it a try. Granted, my struggles compared to some, are minor but nonetheless it was still a struggle. I knew how hard it was going to be for me to deal with the disappointment so I lied to everyone. Whenever they would ask, “when are you going to have kids?” “Are you trying to have a baby?” I quickly said “no we’re not trying. Maybe some day.” I hated it. I never want to lie, and especially to the ones I love but it was the only way to protect myself.

I think the easiest way to explain what infertility is like, is to just bring you through what I was experiencing at the time. I decided to write in a journal at the beginning of our adventure so I’ll share a little bit of that here!

“December 10th 2017, I took my first pregnancy test; negative. I was praying it would be positive even though I know it’s pretty early. Over the next couple of weeks I took a few more tests. All negative. I started to feel the hope slip away from me. Why? Why me?

Three months go by and I realize I’m not ovulating and I should be…Stephen isn’t the problem. I am. Woah. That’s a lot for me to take in. I’m petrified. All of these thoughts rush into my head and I can feel my heart slowly starting to break. I’m never going to know what it’s like to carry my child.

Stephen is now getting a little frustrated and wants me to go to a doctor. I don’t want to. Not because I won’t do whatever it takes to get pregnant, but because I’m mad. I’m so angry. I’m angry at God, I’m angry at Stephen for being frustrated, and mostly I’m just angry at myself.”

Reading this part of my journal is not easy. I just remember how messed up my emotions were and how quickly my faith was slipping away from me. It took almost a year for me to get pregnant. To most, that probably doesn’t seem like a long time but to me it felt like forever. I went through a lot of testing and spent thousands of dollars to figure out why I wasn’t getting pregnant. No one knew. That was super hard to deal with. All of the tests I got done gave no answers. The doctors would say, “your results came back normal. Everything looks fine.” Then I would ask, “okay but why am I not getting pregnant?” And no one knew. SO FRUSTRATING!

For 9 months we tried and I think that was my breaking point. I kept thinking about how I could have been pregnant by now and would have my baby soon. I gave up. I stopped taking pregnancy tests. I stopped trying to figure out when I would ovulate. (That’s a task in itself because I rarely ovulated.) I stopped talking about it. I was over it. And that is what I think God wanted all along but I was too wrapped up in to making it perfect that I couldn’t see that. The second I put it all in God’s hands and went back to living a normal life, I got pregnant.

Coming June 22nd, 2019. The best birthday present I could ever imagine! 😊

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An open letter to my parents…

 

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as a little girl I always looked up to both of you, and as a woman now I still do. Without either of you, I would not be the person I am today and for that I could never thank you enough. But here are some things that I want to be sure if I didn’t say it then, I get to say thank you now.

To Mom:

Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

Thank you for doing things for me that I was capable of doing, but had so much anxiety over it, you did it for me.

Thank you for never shooting down a crazy idea or a dream that I had for myself.

Thank you for spending all of those agonizing hours shopping for prom dresses.

Thank you for that time in 4th grade where you surprised me with flowers and jewelry at school for Valentines Day.

Thank you for always being that mom who picked up and brought all of my friends back home.

Thank you for those days you rushed out of work in the dead of winter to try to make it to an away basketball game when I was in middle school.

Thank you for letting me dress like a total fool, side ponytail and all for my school pictures.

Thank you for that one time you dropped my birthday cake down the side of the cupboards and onto the floor at my party. (Yea, I still remember that.)

Thank you for instantly putting me in a bad mood every morning when you woke me up for school saying “wakey wakey.” What I would do to be able to hear that every day again.

Thank you for giving me my twisted humor.

Thank you for singing with me in the car every time.

Thank you for letting me always eat the leftover brownie and cake batter. (Even though you were putting me at risk for Salmonella poisoning.)  😉

And thank you for showing me what it is like to have the strongest bond a mother and daughter could have. You are my best friend, forever and always.

To Dad:

Thank you for showing me what being a child is all about.

Thank you for all of those days you took me hunting and trapping with you.

Thank you for teaching me how to fish and risking getting pricked by a sunfish every time I caught one just to take it off of the hook for me.

Thank you for my sarcasm.

Thank you for always letting me lay in your chair with you as I shed a few tears.

Thank you for teaching me how to parallel park, and going with me to get my license.

Thank you for also going on those horrible prom dress shopping trips.

Thank you for all of those little songs you use to sing and tease me with as a child. I still sing them in my head today. “Courtney, Courtney pudding pie….”

Thank you for being a dad and teaching me all of the things I will need to know in life.

Thank you for walking me down the isle.

Thank you for asking my mom to marry you.

Thank you for killing all of those spiders over the years.

Thank you for still wanting to claim me as your daughter when I wore this hideous choker for 3 years straight.

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and thank you for being there every time I needed you.

To the both of you:

Thank you for showing me what hard work looks like.

Thank you for pushing me to follow my dreams.

Thank you for staying married for the past 31 years.

Thank you for never grounding me.

Thank you for my sister.

Thank you for showing me the importance of family.

Thank you for wiping away all of my tears over the past 23 years.

Thank you for not buying me another bubba after I dropped my last one off of the side of the boat being a little brat. Because lets be honest, I probably needed to learn my lesson.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you for loving me.

And thank you for being the best parents in the world.

This thank you list could go on forever, but know for all of those times you have done anything for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If there’s anything I know for certain, it’s that I will always have the two best friends a girl could ask for in my mother and in my father. I love you so much.

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Everyone needs self-care! Why it is so important.

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It is time to take charge of your life! Self-care is extremely important in everyone’s lives. We all need it to be able to function properly, to feel good, and to create and maintain our relationships. Without it we become stressed, overwhelmed, and burnt out. And ladies! The leading cause of death for women is heart disease. We especially need to take care of ourselves. In this blog I will apply what I have learned throughout my schooling in Mental Health, my career, experience, and research I have done!

For those who read this, if you already do self-care, that’s awesome! If you don’t or do very minimal, I hope you learn some new things to help you do more. I tried to find the most recent study and what I found was those that are 25 years and older, only 6.6% engage is self-care every day. That is horrible! If it wasn’t for self-care I would be a mess all of the time. I make it my number one priority every day to make sure I take care of myself in some way. By me taking care of myself, I am able to take care of my husband, my responsibilities, my dog, family and friends. Only when we help ourselves first, are we able to effectively help others, and when you are happy, those around you are also happy.

First things first! There are no right or wrong ways to do self-care. It is simply allowing yourself to do whatever it is you want. If that means sitting in silence for a minute or on the couch watching t.v. or just going for a walk, then you’re doing it! Having multiple self-care routines is important, that way you don’t get bored doing the same thing each time. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, it is crucial for everybody. Once you realize the ways you changed by making self-care a priority, you will easily be able to pick out those who don’t do it, or don’t do it as much.

Here are some of the ways I make sure to take care of myself!

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  • Having my nails done (most successful for me)
  • Makeup (more successful for me)
  • Baths
  • Blogging
  • Reading
  • Music

I recently realized that when I have my nails done, I have minimal anxiety.

Below is my next self-care project. My bed is my happy place, and doesn’t that look wonderful?! Thanks for reading!

xo Courtney.

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