This is not going to be an easy post for me to publish, but I know it’s so important to get our story out there. So many women, and even men don’t talk about it. People often suffer in silence, and feel so alone because of it. I’m here to hopefully give you some hope and a friend to lean on. Let’s just get right into it…
Infertility is the hardest, saddest, and most frustrating thing I have ever gone through. Even before we decided to try to get pregnant, I had this feeling that I was going to be disappointed and even worse, disappoint my husband. But, I knew how much Stephen wanted to be a father and I wanted to be a mother, that I had to put years of fear aside and give it a try. Granted, my struggles compared to some, are minor but nonetheless it was still a struggle. I knew how hard it was going to be for me to deal with the disappointment so I lied to everyone. Whenever they would ask, “when are you going to have kids?” “Are you trying to have a baby?” I quickly said “no we’re not trying. Maybe some day.” I hated it. I never want to lie, and especially to the ones I love but it was the only way to protect myself.
I think the easiest way to explain what infertility is like, is to just bring you through what I was experiencing at the time. I decided to write in a journal at the beginning of our adventure so I’ll share a little bit of that here!
“December 10th 2017, I took my first pregnancy test; negative. I was praying it would be positive even though I know it’s pretty early. Over the next couple of weeks I took a few more tests. All negative. I started to feel the hope slip away from me. Why? Why me?
Three months go by and I realize I’m not ovulating and I should be…Stephen isn’t the problem. I am. Woah. That’s a lot for me to take in. I’m petrified. All of these thoughts rush into my head and I can feel my heart slowly starting to break. I’m never going to know what it’s like to carry my child.
Stephen is now getting a little frustrated and wants me to go to a doctor. I don’t want to. Not because I won’t do whatever it takes to get pregnant, but because I’m mad. I’m so angry. I’m angry at God, I’m angry at Stephen for being frustrated, and mostly I’m just angry at myself.”
Reading this part of my journal is not easy. I just remember how messed up my emotions were and how quickly my faith was slipping away from me. It took almost a year for me to get pregnant. To most, that probably doesn’t seem like a long time but to me it felt like forever. I went through a lot of testing and spent thousands of dollars to figure out why I wasn’t getting pregnant. No one knew. That was super hard to deal with. All of the tests I got done gave no answers. The doctors would say, “your results came back normal. Everything looks fine.” Then I would ask, “okay but why am I not getting pregnant?” And no one knew. SO FRUSTRATING!
For 9 months we tried and I think that was my breaking point. I kept thinking about how I could have been pregnant by now and would have my baby soon. I gave up. I stopped taking pregnancy tests. I stopped trying to figure out when I would ovulate. (That’s a task in itself because I rarely ovulated.) I stopped talking about it. I was over it. And that is what I think God wanted all along but I was too wrapped up in to making it perfect that I couldn’t see that. The second I put it all in God’s hands and went back to living a normal life, I got pregnant.
Coming June 22nd, 2019. The best birthday present I could ever imagine! 😊